A Coming Out Story

This is a coming out story. I didn’t want it to be a coming out story but it is a coming out story. I wanted it to be a unique tale of friends and safe spaces and high school track and Shakira music videos and minivan trunks but it is really just a coming out story. It’s my coming out story. 

I was certain I wasn’t just into boys in the fifth grade. The thought first occurred to me when I was at a sleepover at my friend Autumn's house and we were watching “New York Minute” starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  All the girls turned away and freaked out at the on screen kiss between Mary Kate and Jared Padelecki but I didn’t. Like, they all leapt over the couch and hid their faces from the lip to lip action. I just sat there and watched it. It didn’t make me feel, like, anything. I didn’t really understand why they all freaked out until I discovered Youtube. 

Every day after fifth grade, I’d come home from school and hop on the family computer and open Youtube and watch Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” music video over and over and over again. I loved watching the way her body moved. I wondered if this was the feeling that my friends had. It made me want to leap over couches and hide my face. I wasn’t sure what this feeling was so I Googled “girls like girls”. Yep. That’s the feeling. I am a girl who likes girls. It didn’t feel that complicated. Then sixth grade came and I had my Green Day phase and would kiss my pillow pretending it was the lead singer, Billie Joe Armstrong. I didn’t need to Google “girls like boys”. That concept was very familiar to me. So. What was this then? I am a girl who likes girls. And a girl who likes boys. I didn’t fully understand what was going on with me but I was never worried about it. I didn’t have any language for it but I was confident this was who I was. I was never ashamed or embarrassed. I like girls who can belly dance and boys who wear a lot of eyeliner. 

Myspace helped me find the exact word for what was going on in my brain – bisexual. When I was creating my page, I saw there was an option other than straight and lesbian. That’s me. And suddenly this mish mash of puzzle pieces came together in my head. Every piece fell perfectly into place and I felt right. I was bisexual. And proud of it. So, I did what any other seventh grader who lied about her age to make a Myspace page would do, I made my sexual orientation bisexual. 

Without missing a beat, I get a message from someone in my grade. Then another message came. And another. I thought the messages would be congratulating me on my bravery or questions about what this meant for me but they weren’t nice at all – they were mean. They called me a freak and gross and weird and. One girl made it very clear she wasn’t in love with me so I’d better not come onto her. I didn’t want another message so I quickly changed my orientation to straight and deleted all the messages. I used to be so proud of this part of myself. Not now though. Now I was ashamed. 

I buried that shame down and vowed I’d never talk about it again. No one could ever find out I wasn’t straight. And they didn’t. I made it through middle school without anyone talking about my sexual orientation again. Freshman year of high school was a little more tricky because all my friends and I started talking about our crushes. Without outing myself, I’d just talk about whatever male celebrity everyone loved at the time. Sophomore year was filled with more discussions of how I will be the next Mrs. Joe Jonas or Justin Biber and I just kept getting away with it. Then junior year came. I had my first kiss and my first older boyfriend and keeping my orientation a secret started to feel wrong. 

I’m thinking about my Myspace-coming-out fiasco as I sit in the back of my parents' red Honda minivan. I’m sitting in the trunk with my three high school best friends. We are currently parked in the Scarsdale High School parking lot because we were about to walk the track. It’s something we did often. We pile into my parents' minivan, drive to the track at night, and walk around while talking about our lives. We talked about colleges, our futures, what we’re getting at the diner later. It was a very special ritual for us. I never felt more comfortable than walking around that track at night with my friends. 

  We’re on our third lap and I’m beginning to trail behind my three friends. They’re going back and forth about how” junior year is coming to an end” and how “could we possibly be seniors so soon” and “OMG we have to do something fun together in the summer” and “what should it be” and “maybe a concert?”! And as I try to catch up with them, I start taking in my surroundings. The air is cool and crisp- a perfect spring evening. My feet pound the track as I listen to three of the most important people in my life, talking on and over each other about everything and nothing. I realize how safe I am. And for whatever reason, maybe it’s because we were talking about our futures, maybe it’s just because I really needed to. I just- 

“Hey guys, I’m bisexual.”

They all stop, turn around, look at me, and smile. 

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Julia says.

And then we move on. Just like that. It feels good. Really good. I feel. Safe. 

I guess this is technically two coming out stories. One to the internet and one to the people I felt closest and safest with. And even though I wish I could erase one of those, it’s still a part of who I am. As much as I’d love to stand here and say, the first time I came out was in a safe space and was met with total love, I can’t. But that’s okay. I’m still so proud of that seventh grade girl for the pride she had in herself that day. And I’ll always be proud of her. Plus, if you haven’t been cyberbullied on Myspace from kids in your middle school, are you even queer?