The Anti-Holly Club

You know that feeling you get when you think everyone hates you? That overwhelming fear that everyone is talking about you behind your back? There’s a lot you can do to regulate your system but sometimes just sitting in that fear feels better. It’s probably just your mind messing with you anyways. That’s what we all tell ourselves right? What if it wasn’t? 

I had my first relationship my junior year of high school. It was my first kiss, first messy break up, first messy get back together, and first messy break up again. He was technically my first boyfriend but I don’t like thinking of him as my first boyfriend. I like thinking about my first college boyfriend as my first boyfriend. He was sweet, treated me so well, and just overall a great guy. We met my first semester of freshman year and were official by the start of the second. I was studying theatre performance and he was studying physics. He listened to my days with such enthusiasm. He was so interested in my world that he didn’t hesitate at all to become a part of it. He got along well with all my friends. He saw all my shows. He even helped with the tech side of a play I was in at the end of our sophomore year. He was my boyfriend outside and inside the theater.

I wanted to go abroad my junior year. I wanted to go to London and intern at a theater and run around the West End for a semester. I didn’t get into the program my school had with the University of London but I did get into a program we had with a different school in England. I happily accepted the second option and began daydreaming about my time abroad. My dreams never included my college boyfriend. It made me feel bad. Super bad. When we spoke about me leaving, breaking up never came up. I didn’t tell him that I was having second thoughts about us. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. This is something I know I failed to make clear to him and our friends – I never wanted to hurt him. After our last conversation about the subject, we agreed on a break. At least, I thought we did. 

The summer between my sophomore and junior year could only be described as what the kids would say was “my hoe phase”. I went on a ton of dates and met a ton of different people. I stayed out late and got in trouble. I lied to my grandparents about going to church. I drank Bud Light with friends into the late hours of the night and woke up early the next day and went to watch a bunch of kids run around in the woods (we were camp counselors). I met some great people that summer. Some I’m still friends with to this day. And one I’d end up in a relationship with before the start of junior year. My ex boyfriend from college did not know I was out dating other people. Our break turned into a break up. All thanks to me. 

The last time I’d speak to him about it was right before I left for England. My semester abroad started later than the semester at college did so I went down to the campus to have one last hurrah. I stood in the harsh sun of the Pennsylvania summer sun and looked up at my wonderful college ex boyfriend. He sadly explained how he had no idea our break meant we were done. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was. He probably heard me out, he really was a great guy. I wouldn’t heard me out. I would’ve poured sour milk on myself.

“Hey, does everyone hate me?” I ask my best friend, Julia, as we walk across the campus. “No, Holly, no. Why would you ask that?” She quickly says. I asked because everyone I tried talking to from our friend group seemed really cold to me that visit. I wasn’t getting warm responses I assumed I’d get after a summer of not seeing everyone. No hugs, quick remarks, and off to their next thing. Julia was probably right though. They don’t hate me. My mind is just messing with me. 

I returned from England to find my ex boyfriend in a new relationship. She is really beautiful and he looks happy. I was genuinely happy for him. Maybe sometimes I felt a little jealous of her. Feelings are so weird. Still the same cold shoulders from some of my friends I got when I visited a few months earlier. What if my mind wasn’t messing with me? 

Julia would disclose to me later on in the semester that she spoke with my friends and they indeed did hate me for a while. I believe the exact thing they said was that they were all “anti-Holly” for a bit. Because of what I did to my college ex boyfriend. They all took his side in the divorce. Bam. I knew it. Usually being right feels great but that felt shitty. Real shitty. 

The Anti-Holly Club and I later made amends. I drunkenly cried to a member about how badly I felt for messing everything up. No surprise, my summer boyfriend didn’t last very long and I found myself missing everyone, including my college ex boyfriend. She heard me out and explained to everyone else that I no longer needed the cold shoulder. I had learned my lesson. Break up with the boy, even if you know it’ll hurt. Halfway doing it will only make it worse. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Anti-Holly club these days. I found myself in a situation where I messed up and I feel as though the people around me all hate me again. I’m trying to be kind and gentle with myself. I’m trying to remind myself that there will always be people who don’t agree with your actions and even need a break from you every once in a while. I know I’m not perfect but will I always be that shit head kid who Tindered herself out of feeling heartbroken? 

I hope my first college boyfriend is doing well. I hope he found a wife, if he wants one, and has a bunch of beautiful, tall babies, if they want them, and a life he’s proud of. He taught me that I am worthy of being loved. I will honor him in the best way I can. Pouring some sour milk on myself. I’m kidding. I’ll try loving myself too.